Visitor Question Of The Week Archive:
#60 Hi, welcome to the archive, please enjoy all our old crap!!

The "It's 1998" Edition
(Regular question & answers will return on 1-12-98)




Hey! my face. An Onionhead New Year:
New Years is upon us and once again it's time for the big celebration here in Onionville. Weeks of planning, millions of dollars and several rather dazed pets later (had to move the fish tank for some extra seating), the party is ready to kick into high gear. The list of invitees reads like a "who's who" of random phonebook selections: Ann Chovie, Al Caholic, Bart Ender, Gabe Asher, Howe D. Pardner, Hugh Jass, Sue Shi and Poly Esther Pantz, as well as Great Uncle Phil up from, just down stairs in the basement. The party will start on Wednesday at 7AM and probably wind down moments before the police show up.


Hey! my face. The Festivities:
Just like last year, the party will include enough entertainment to make Tommy Bartlet fly off his skis: Bobbing for bathtoys, Spin the 400 year old priceless Oriental Vase, another Swirly hairdo contest as well a 36 minute "cliff note" type rendition of Swan Lake featuring, "Tubby the 375 pound Norwegian Ballerina. And for the more sober guests, there will be a marathon Trivial Pursuit game in the parlor with our pet lama, Spitty. We've imported Chef "Pierre Flufluflu" straight from France so he can create for us his world famous Salamander Crepes, Wallaby Surprise, and his delightful and flingable "Duck on a Stick."


Our New Years Resolutions:

Sparky's:
I'll try harder this year not to get my head caught in between the rungs of our chairs. Also, I'll try to take household wiring more seriously.

Spanky's:
Not to shoot spitballs at the back of Sparky's head while he's practicing chainsaw juggling. And also, I'll try to keep my tongue in my mouth at the post office.

Visitors New Years Resolutions:

SLY:
This year I, SLY, resolve to finally learn how to walk, I don't have any condition that has not allowed me to walk or anything. I've just been way too lazy to learn. ANY HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS, HOW MUCH STUDYING AM I GOING TO HAVE TO DO?

sarrabear:
I resolve to stop using my roommate's toothbrush to clean the toilet.

birdbox:
I'm gonna attack the evil people of Denmark! That's my new years revolution.

The Founder, President, and CEO of Megaspork Industries:
I resolve to be good and kind to all the wonderful people and stick figures in the world. (Hi Fred!) I also resolve to make sporks the preferred utensil of all beings.

jamjars:
To write in funnier questions and eat 7 tons of salt.

Fred The Stick Figure:
I resolve to pay more attention to the simple things in life, like the purple dragon under my bed, and the West Side Polka Band, and the fuzzy fabric that never seems to stay fuzzy after you wash it. I also resolve to watch my weight and eat more curly fries.

Cherries:
Gee, I was going to ask you about purchasing a really big java ball, but now I see that you want me to think of a New Years Resolution. Being practically perfect in every way, I have no need of New Year's Resolutions. So how about that really big java ball. Is it still for sale?

SpunkyMunky:
My New Year's resolution?...the same one I've had for 6 years! To put an end to the world's obsession with twinkies and cheese. They get way more respect than they deserve.

Mr. Fizzles:
Where does all the sound from our voices go? Do they lock it up in a vault somewhere? Oh, and my New Year's resolution is to get those little voices out of my head. The little ingrateful bastards haven't been paying their rent.

Dominius Mookpiloh:
My New Years Resolution is to establish contact with aliens from another planet and tell them I rule the earth so they trust me, so eventually when they invade the earth (and they will) I will be spared because they will think I am important to the world, but all you peons will die horrible fiery deaths and suffer in the Inferno for all eternity...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Captain Pyro:
My New Year's Resolution is to quit shooting encyclopedia salesmen until I get my question answered.

more screwed up than u and loving it:
I want to get on your regular page just once this year.

Bop:
New years resolution is not make friends with cyber sluts no more.

Caitlin:
No resolution for me, I'm staying evil. But, when you started this whole question/answer thing, were these the kind of questions you expected? (not this question, but all the other questions you got) Or were you expecting smarter, wittier, cooler questions?
We get some of the smartest, wittiest and snarliest questions right now, and we really enjoyed all the great new years resolutions we received. We love you guys man.... (Big smelly group hug)
-Sparky/Spanky-


elvis shortliver:
I, elvis shortliver, being of sound mind and body, do hereby take this woman in holy... HOLY SHIT! WRONG RESOLUTION!

LEEK:
I never make resolutions! I do want to point out that a pez dispenser is much to steep a trade for 14 year old boys. They have no value, and are you aware of the depreciation factor as they turn 15, 16, 17?

kaitlynn:
A resolution??? Well, if I had to choose, wait, a minute, why do you care?

AG:
1. Stop stalking the milkman
2. Lose weight
3. Stop stalking the Good Humor guy

Dragnrst:
This year I resolve to stop going window shopping for new cars with my imaginary friends (and this month's poll questions aren't helping me at all!).

MWUAHAHAHAHA The Spam Girl:
To stop picking my nose, to take over the world with Spam, and to stop listening to that MMMBopper song. ::MMMBOP...DA...BOP...BU BOP::

birdbox:
This year I will not only kill the man in the toilet, crucify the lepers that steal the trash from my trash can, and skin the man who keeps putting things in that box on my house, but I will learn how to love the postman, the trash man and the plumber, whoever they are.....

elvis shortliver:
To convert the world to shortliverism.

1000 lb Woman:
My new years resolutions is to loose 500 lbs. and then become a stripper.

Cousin Ernie:
I ree-solve that as soon as I get my truck up on blocks, I'll get that transmission fixed and sometime after that I'll put those big tires on it I found at the dump. Then I might even think about cleaning the trash outta the back. and sometime by the end of the year I might even wash it... naw it looks better with dirt on it because it covers the rust holes and the dents.

Female:
I would like to dump my boyfriend and start a relationship with one of his friends (not you Bob, I'm talking about Steve).

Happy New Year:
My new year resolution is to buy Tom Cruise, and uh, well, um, nevermind...



Visitors Without Names Resolutions:

Make more time for the computer.

To not eat any goats this year!

To masturbate moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Do I have to enter a new years resolution? What about the weekly questions?
The weekly questions will return in two weeks when we get out of the Betty Ford Center and they'll be as normal as they ever were.
-Sparky/Spanky-


To be nicer to my friends & lose weight.

To stay away from pervs.

What New Year? Rosh Hashanah was months ago.

My resolution is to go to the land of Onions and Honey.

Make sure that my website is the most visited website in 1998 with over 1 trillion hits per month.

Try not to roll on the floor laughing whenever I come across Web pages like Bud Ugglly.

To not make a resolution. But wait a minute, that is one so I didn't make a resolution but then I achieved it so then I did but...

Do more good stuff.

To take over the world bwahahahahahahahahaha...

To live through it.

To become a good student en drink less alcohol.... yeah right!

To get a new job - this one sucks dead dogs.

My resolution is to have my own business in 1998 . Will you give me advice on it?

Never again enter a mindless website {just like this one}. You guys just don't know what a real smart a-- is.

To stop picking my nose.

To nott be angry that the katt can clean his hinder and i cantt.

Give up this crazy stuff.

To eat less candy.

My resolution is to stop visiting incredible stupid web pages.

To Keep away from stupid ass websites like this one.

Sleep.





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